Guilt

This may be the most emotionally difficult post I've ever had to write, but it's extremely important to get something off my chest, and I'm sure many other women - perhaps even men as well - will nod along with me and realize they have felt this way too. And that's why I think I need to put my emotions on paper - or the internet if you will. 

When we started this process of figuring out just how we would go about having children over three years ago, I already knew that the likelihood that I would ever be pregnant was low. Before even speaking to a doctor, my body was telling me this was something that I didn't think I could do. Between the congenital heart defect, my shortness of breath on a good day, my overly-sensitive immune system, the persistent stomach issues, the fact that my chest is misshapen and presses directly onto my esophagus and the most recent addition - the chronic pelvic pain - I could tell I didn't have the physical strength to carry a child for nine months. In fact, sometimes it's a struggle just to get through a normal day because I'm exhausted, my pelvic floor burns and aches, my lungs feel like crap and I have heartburn like I'm already pregnant. 

But the fact is, I do have the ability to get pregnant, logistically speaking. When we were considering using my own eggs, my fertility stats were good. My egg reserves were pretty decent at the time I had them tested (at age 32). There's nothing wrong with my reproductive system: the ovaries and uterus are working just the way they are supposed to. Outside of the fact that it would have been painful as hell to try naturally - no thanks to the vulvodynia - it could have eventually been achieved with diligent work and a lot of lidocaine numbing gel (although who knows if that would kill sperm).

This is where I differ from most other intended mothers who are seeking a surrogate. While I have seen some women who say they are seeking help due to diabetes or a certain blood disease that could put them at extreme risk, the majority of profiles I have read concern intended mothers who have tried to get pregnant for years and nothing has worked, or have fought a hard battle with cancer and won - except invasive treatment has made their reproductive systems fail to work anymore. It's very black and white because these intended mothers cannot do things naturally.

I have also known others in similar situations as myself who have weighed the risks and benefits and have decided to get pregnant anyway - despite the toll it could take on their bodies. In fact, a childhood friend of mine did just that and she was lucky to emerge from nine months' gestation with her health and a perfectly healthy baby. But another friend of mine with a heart condition had a very different experience and now could never be pregnant again. Even if you're perfectly healthy, there are no guarantees there won't be complications after carrying a child, but for people like myself and those two friends of mine, the risks are so much higher.  

Still, I wasn't entirely sure I "qualified" for needing a surrogate - even after speaking with Sally at SCO who told me I had legitimate reasons for seeking one. And after two of my doctors said there would actually be more medical support for me if I chose to get pregnant rather than extracting my eggs and asking a surrogate to carry, I began to feel guilty. Extremely guilty. Guilty to the point where I wasn't even sure I should proceed with anything. 

What made it worse was the back and forth messaging between my cardiologist and my gynecologist, who never actually spoke to one another first hand. My cardiologist said I was cleared to carry if I wanted to (still with a higher risk of complications), but it was the pelvic issues that would likely hold me back. My gynecologist, meanwhile, said it was my heart she would be concerned about - not the pelvic issues - and if my cardiologist cleared me, then I should really see a psychiatrist because it was clear I had an irrational fear of being pregnant. Add in a couple of "innocent bystanders" I'll call them who said "just suck it up and get pregnant" and I felt like a complete weakling, stupid and a failure. 

It was after this that I really began to doubt if I should have kids at all. If I couldn't sacrifice my own body for my child despite my health issues, what kind of mom would I be anyway? I tormented myself with internal dialogue: 

"How can you look for a surrogate when there are all those women who can't have kids, period, and here you are with a decent egg reserve and all the biological parts and you want help? What is wrong with you? How can you ask someone else to carry your baby? Are you just being selfish?" 

And this dialogue continued on and on. In fact, it has never stopped. When I read about people who have tried for years, I know deep down that we never even came close to trying and I feel like I took the easy way out. Even to this day, I still feel a truckload of guilt that I am asking an amazing woman to do this for me. Despite knowing full well my body could not handle pregnancy, I keep hearing you need a psychiatrist and just suck it up and do it over and over in my head. 

But maybe the people who said those things to me weren't the best at judging the situation. My gynecologist told me she's never seen anyone suffer from vulvodynia for so long despite having treatment - as if I failed her - and all of her patients were better now except me. Then she accused me of coming to her just to socialize, which was quite weird considering I only see her once a year. The others who told me to just get it over with didn't know me that well, or were just off the glow of perfect pregnancies themselves and immensely enjoyed the experience. All my good friends said I was making the right choice. In fact, this past summer, my maid of honour from our wedding (who has known me for 22 years) told me while in her sixth month of pregnancy "you shouldn't be pregnant. You made the right choice." I heard the same words from one of my other best friends as well.  

And after speaking to two special pregnancy doctors, both said in my situation I could legitimately go either way when having children. I could have tried naturally or even tried to inseminate myself with a turkey baster if it hurt less than sex, but at the same time, surrogacy was also a good option. Then at Victoria Hospital in London, Dr. Jackie Hollett-Caines agreed that I had good reasons for going one way, but also good reasons for going the other way. And she was also the first person to really open up my mind to having an egg donor. Both doctors said they would fully support me in whatever direction I chose to go. And upon arriving at Create, I felt like they got it too. They know my body had been through a shitload of surgeries, pain and discomfort and that surrogacy would allow me to stay healthy and strong enough for the arrival of our child without the real possibility that I'd need to be rushed in for cardiac surgery shortly after the baby was born. 

Some of you have read my blog and have told me I'm so brave to talk about my experience. Even though I feel like there isn't a daring bone in my body, I'm glad you feel that way. But I do think I'm courageous to come out and say "I do feel guilty." I'm sure even intended mothers who can't physically get pregnant at all feel those emotions as well. Perhaps even LGBTQ dads have had a few of these passing thoughts too. 

So maybe it's about changing that inner dialogue. Maybe it's about saying I feel guilty and that's okay. I know my own body and I've made the right choice. I can't imagine getting all that guilt off my shoulders for good, but once that child arrives, none of this will have mattered. And my body will be in the best shape it possibly can be for the next incredible stage of my life - raising a brand new human being to be the best they can possibly be. 

How did you emotionally feel when you decided to ask a surrogate to carry your baby? I want to hear from you in the comments below!