It's like dating!
As someone who spent a good seven years on online dating sites before meeting my husband, I am rather familiar with the entire "matching" process. The nervous energy when you send that first message, the excitement when you receive your first reply and the development of chemistry over an internet connection - none of this is new to me, even though Dennis and I met well before the time of Tinder (and thank goodness we did because that just seems overwhelming). In fact, Dennis turned out to be my 50th first date - the majority of those 49 before were from Lavalife, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, JDate and eVow, which is where Dennis and I first connected. So it was pretty funny to me when I first started investigating how to find a surrogate and realized it would be almost exactly the same - connecting on a "relationship-building" website and then having a voice to voice conversation if the chemistry is there.
Even as little as a few years ago, I would get a sense from others I spoke to that you strictly have a business relationship with your surrogate. Getting that legal contract in place is essential because the number one fear when you mention surrogacy to someone who is unfamiliar with it is that the surrogate will steal your baby. For anyone reading this who is just dipping their feet into the water on this topic, I will say one thing - that this is not a thing. This has never happened in Canada and it's extremely rare in the United States. This is partially because agencies are good at eliminating women who have an ulterior motive when they sign up to carry someone else's baby, and it's also because surrogacy remains strictly altruistic in Canada (that's a whole other blog post coming next month). I'd say 99 per cent of the women who wish to become surrogates are doing this because they are amazing women who truly want to help someone have children.
As I spent more and more time reading posts in the surrogacy-related groups on Facebook, I came to realize something: a lot of these surrogates actually became friends with their intended parents, especially in the case of LGBTQ dads. Some of the surrogates have even agreed to do a sibling journey for them and I think that's incredible. I love hearing the stories about how these relationships blossomed to the point where the surrogate almost becomes extended family. I think it's especially important for the child as well to know how many people helped to bring them into this world and exactly who those people are. We may not have any children now and therefore aren't exactly experienced with this parenting thing, but I'm guessing that being honest with your child from the very beginning may prevent some anger and outbursts when they're in their teenage years.
So when we began searching for our surrogate, I knew there had to be that same chemistry that I searched for in my online dating years. After all, you're in it for the long run and you're working on a huge project together. Making a human being with the assistance of science is difficult work, so this is not something you want to do with a person you won't get along with. Our criteria for finding a surrogate were a little different than other intended parents because for us, it's always been a values and beliefs type of thing. Even with Dennis and I, for example, we don't have a lot of the same interests, but we share the same values, beliefs and goals in life. We're on the same page. And that's what we wanted from our relationship with a surrogate.
We wanted someone who was old enough to grasp the maturity of what she was about to embark on but also young enough that she would have a good chance of a healthy pregnancy. We wanted a non-smoker who was generally in good health. But personality traits were extremely important to us. She had to have a great sense of humour (because how can you get through all of this without having a good laugh every single day?) and had to be laid back. More importantly though, we had to see eye to eye on what point a pregnancy should be aborted. And my number one caveat for our surrogate: she had to be just as willing to carry a child for a gay couple as for Dennis and me. If she didn't believe that two dads (or two moms if they need assistance!) have just as much of a right to have children as a mom and dad, then she just wasn't for us.
As I mentioned in a previous post, Dennis and I matched extremely quickly after being prepared that it could take upwards of six months to a year. While our surrogate has not been screened yet - and that is not likely to happen for another two to three months - we've got all our fingers and toes crossed. And here's how that process unfolded:
Even as little as a few years ago, I would get a sense from others I spoke to that you strictly have a business relationship with your surrogate. Getting that legal contract in place is essential because the number one fear when you mention surrogacy to someone who is unfamiliar with it is that the surrogate will steal your baby. For anyone reading this who is just dipping their feet into the water on this topic, I will say one thing - that this is not a thing. This has never happened in Canada and it's extremely rare in the United States. This is partially because agencies are good at eliminating women who have an ulterior motive when they sign up to carry someone else's baby, and it's also because surrogacy remains strictly altruistic in Canada (that's a whole other blog post coming next month). I'd say 99 per cent of the women who wish to become surrogates are doing this because they are amazing women who truly want to help someone have children.
As I spent more and more time reading posts in the surrogacy-related groups on Facebook, I came to realize something: a lot of these surrogates actually became friends with their intended parents, especially in the case of LGBTQ dads. Some of the surrogates have even agreed to do a sibling journey for them and I think that's incredible. I love hearing the stories about how these relationships blossomed to the point where the surrogate almost becomes extended family. I think it's especially important for the child as well to know how many people helped to bring them into this world and exactly who those people are. We may not have any children now and therefore aren't exactly experienced with this parenting thing, but I'm guessing that being honest with your child from the very beginning may prevent some anger and outbursts when they're in their teenage years.
So when we began searching for our surrogate, I knew there had to be that same chemistry that I searched for in my online dating years. After all, you're in it for the long run and you're working on a huge project together. Making a human being with the assistance of science is difficult work, so this is not something you want to do with a person you won't get along with. Our criteria for finding a surrogate were a little different than other intended parents because for us, it's always been a values and beliefs type of thing. Even with Dennis and I, for example, we don't have a lot of the same interests, but we share the same values, beliefs and goals in life. We're on the same page. And that's what we wanted from our relationship with a surrogate.
We wanted someone who was old enough to grasp the maturity of what she was about to embark on but also young enough that she would have a good chance of a healthy pregnancy. We wanted a non-smoker who was generally in good health. But personality traits were extremely important to us. She had to have a great sense of humour (because how can you get through all of this without having a good laugh every single day?) and had to be laid back. More importantly though, we had to see eye to eye on what point a pregnancy should be aborted. And my number one caveat for our surrogate: she had to be just as willing to carry a child for a gay couple as for Dennis and me. If she didn't believe that two dads (or two moms if they need assistance!) have just as much of a right to have children as a mom and dad, then she just wasn't for us.
As I mentioned in a previous post, Dennis and I matched extremely quickly after being prepared that it could take upwards of six months to a year. While our surrogate has not been screened yet - and that is not likely to happen for another two to three months - we've got all our fingers and toes crossed. And here's how that process unfolded:
We joined SCO on January 3rd and began receiving matches the evening of the 5th. Although I had chatted casually a few weeks earlier with a surrogate who was looking to match, it was absolutely nervewracking setting out to make that first formal contact over email. Out of the four profiles we received from the agency, one caught my eye. It basically contained all the buzzwords we were looking for in regards to our values and who we would want to go on this journey with. So it took 24 hours but I worked up the courage to message Kay the next evening and told her exactly what stood out to us in her profile.
About two days later, we heard back from her and began a conversation that literally did not stop for 48 hours. Although I sent messages to two other surrogates - one of whom was geographically much closer to us but ended up matching with another Toronto couple - the conversation with Kay was simply awesome. Immediately she reminded me of one of my childhood friends who would give the shirt off her back to anyone who needed it (funny I should say that, because both Kay and my childhood friend - and I - like the same type of shirts). I immediately knew we were all on the same level when it came to values and beliefs. So on the evening of January 12th while at work, when I was about one second from beginning my 6 p.m. live newscast, I see a message pop up on my phone:
My response? "Holy crap!" It was a rush of emotions and excitement, and trying to hold it together while reporting on a murder is not exactly easy. But perhaps it was Dennis who was caught even more off guard. When I called him to tell him the good news, he had one hand in the dumpster in our condominium garbage area as he was trying to shove the bags in. The only thing better would be if raccoons had come out of the dumpster to congratulate us (I'm very much obsessed with raccoons and they do love to hide out there, so ...)
We don't know what the future holds, but we are so excited to move forward on this baby-making goal with Kay. She is so funny, intelligent and positive, and we know we have the chemistry that would make us friends even if we didn't meet over these sets of circumstances. Over the past month, Dennis and I have been bingewatching 'Arrested Development' and it has quickly become one of my favourite shows of all time. When Kay told me it was one of hers, this only made for more laughs. I can already picture me texting her Arrested Development memes every day of her pregnancy.
I know the road has just begun and there will be bumps and setbacks before baby eventually arrives, but at least we know we're doing this with the right person and true to the old saying, "it takes a village to raise a child." Throw in some science, and we're on our way.
Sidenote: A big thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. It absolutely meant so much to me to hear from you. Keep the comments coming and let's make this conversation as open as we possibly can.
About two days later, we heard back from her and began a conversation that literally did not stop for 48 hours. Although I sent messages to two other surrogates - one of whom was geographically much closer to us but ended up matching with another Toronto couple - the conversation with Kay was simply awesome. Immediately she reminded me of one of my childhood friends who would give the shirt off her back to anyone who needed it (funny I should say that, because both Kay and my childhood friend - and I - like the same type of shirts). I immediately knew we were all on the same level when it came to values and beliefs. So on the evening of January 12th while at work, when I was about one second from beginning my 6 p.m. live newscast, I see a message pop up on my phone:
My response? "Holy crap!" It was a rush of emotions and excitement, and trying to hold it together while reporting on a murder is not exactly easy. But perhaps it was Dennis who was caught even more off guard. When I called him to tell him the good news, he had one hand in the dumpster in our condominium garbage area as he was trying to shove the bags in. The only thing better would be if raccoons had come out of the dumpster to congratulate us (I'm very much obsessed with raccoons and they do love to hide out there, so ...)
We don't know what the future holds, but we are so excited to move forward on this baby-making goal with Kay. She is so funny, intelligent and positive, and we know we have the chemistry that would make us friends even if we didn't meet over these sets of circumstances. Over the past month, Dennis and I have been bingewatching 'Arrested Development' and it has quickly become one of my favourite shows of all time. When Kay told me it was one of hers, this only made for more laughs. I can already picture me texting her Arrested Development memes every day of her pregnancy.
I know the road has just begun and there will be bumps and setbacks before baby eventually arrives, but at least we know we're doing this with the right person and true to the old saying, "it takes a village to raise a child." Throw in some science, and we're on our way.
Sidenote: A big thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. It absolutely meant so much to me to hear from you. Keep the comments coming and let's make this conversation as open as we possibly can.
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