Making the connection

It’s been a hectic two weeks. Between starting my new job in a brand new career field, I’ve also been dealing with the physical symptoms of trying a new medication for anxiety and chronic pain and unfortunately reacting quite poorly to it. At the same time, we’re still house hunting (or should I say, tiny condo hunting since most properties are unaffordable these days) and I’m juggling a few other things on the side. And coming back to the entire reason why I started this blog in the first place, we’re now waiting on the results of our surrogate Kay’s screening after her visit early last week.

For anyone who has tried online dating, you know what it’s like. Back in the day – and still occasionally today – you would talk to a person you were interested in for weeks or even months before choosing to meet in person. A friend of mine went an entire two years of online chats before flying across the country to meet her significant other for the very first time. When conversations stay online that long, you build up an image of the other person that could be shattered when you eventually see their face offline, or as the kids these days say, IRL.   

I’m happy to say, Kay is exactly the same person IRL as online. From the moment we met her and her husband, we knew this was meant to be in some weird and wonderful way. The first night they arrived in Toronto, we visited them at their hotel and got to know them, there was a gift exchange and planning ahead to what we would do the next day during her screening. Before we knew it, it was close to midnight and we needed to get home in order to be up early for her appointments in the morning.

Despite a wait of about 45 minutes to start, screening day was fantastic and everything moved along smoothly (however, intended parents are not allowed in on any of the surrogate’s appointments or tests as her information is kept entirely confidential – something to keep in mind if you’re an intended parent who has yet to get to this step and you want to be in on these appointments). The good thing for us, though, was that the nurse who manages our case came out to talk to both Kay and me to make some loose plans for the days leading up to her eventual transfer. That evening, we had her and her husband over for dinner. The conversation flowed naturally, we talked about a number of interesting topics – including politics! (something we wouldn't do with most of our friends!) – and the next morning, I texted Kay that “no matter what happens on this journey, I think we will be friends for life.”

The way we connected - and continue to do so - makes me wonder how we would ever be able to do this without getting an intimate knowledge of one another. I recall five to 10 years ago when I’d bring up the topic of surrogacy and everyone made the arrangement sound so business-like: you sign a contract, she stays at an arm’s length and after the baby is born, you cut off contact immediately because “she could totally steal your baby otherwise.” Considering this has never happened in Canada, and that Canadian surrogates are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts and for no monetary gain, this seems a bit harsh to me. But after meeting Kay face-to-face and really getting to know her, I can’t imagine doing this a) with anyone else and b) with someone at an emotional distance. This woman is having your baby for crying out loud. You at least owe her your friendship!

Throughout our journey, I’ve had people warn me not to get too close to Kay in case things don’t work out. Frankly, even if we don’t get a baby out of this, at this point our journey is about more than just the tiny human we’re trying to create. It’s about building friendships and going on an emotional rollercoaster with someone you trust. It’s about give and take, and embracing your surrogate as a member of your extended family or within your inner circle of friends. It’s about being able to speak your mind freely with her and vice versa. In fact, it’s like we’re getting multiple new bonds out of this experience – Kay, her husband and eventually her own kids. We’re basically forming a team. The other day, I caught Dennis mentally planning a trip to the east coast before we transfer, just to visit her and her family. I had to remind him that for budgeting purposes, we probably shouldn’t make more trips than we absolutely need to. Perhaps after the baby is born, we’ll go out there just for a visit. But the fact that something like this even came to mind means we’re doing this journey with the right person. We absolutely love her.

I think some intended parents may be in a rush to match just so they can have their child as soon as possible. While Dennis wishes he had become a father 10 years ago and I had hoped that I’d become a mom in 2018 (mostly because 18 is a good luck number in Judaism), that wasn’t realistic in either of our circumstances. It’s still going to be at least 15 months before our child is born, and only if our transfer takes on the first try. This is because Kay let us know immediately after we begun chatting that she wasn’t able to transfer until October, and told us she would understand if we didn’t want to move ahead with her because of that timeline. But our “let’s have a baby between age 30 and 34” ship has sailed, so waiting a bit longer isn’t a huge deal. It’s so much better to develop a strong, trusting friendship with your surrogate than rush into things just because you wanted a baby yesterday. Rushing things may only bring about resentment and could even endanger the process.

In the meantime, we continue to wait for those screening results. Staff at our clinic told Kay “see you in October” as she exited each room – something they likely would not have said if they didn’t believe she was a good candidate. We are hopeful and we know she is going to be an amazing surrogate. But no matter what those results show, we know her and her husband are people we love, respect and admire, and nothing will ever change that.