A New Way Forward

Image by Arek Socha/Pixabay

For those of you who have been following my blog since I created it in January of 2019, you will notice the title has changed. I've scrapped the #BabyRosenChung2020 hashtag and URL and simply replaced it with my name. That's because unless the universe flips on its head and unicorns appear out of nowhere - or even less likely, the Leafs win the Stanley Cup - there will not be a Baby Rosen-Chung in 2020. In fact, it may even be a stretch for 2021. 

Without revealing too many details as of course they are confidential, our surrogacy journey came to a sudden end in late November. We still aren't entirely clear on what happened ourselves but it hurt. It stung. It felt like a massive punch to the gut, and not just because of the fact that we had two failed transfers and ultimately were unable to conceive. In fact, what was much tougher to digest was the abrupt end to the relationship with our surrogate. In a span of five minutes, what all of us had worked so hard to build over nearly 11 months was over just like that. 

Because it's been almost an entire season since this happened, Dennis and I have had some time and space to breathe and dust ourselves off. But we're still not entirely sure what we're going to do moving forward. We still have nine frozen embryos at our fertility clinic, but we aren't ready to go back to surrogacy. Neither one of us are at the point where we want to put our all into the process and risk putting our hearts on the line again. 

If you're an intended parent looking to have children via surrogacy, please don't let this scare you. Our situation was rare and even in cases where none of the transfers are successful, surrogates and intended parents continue their relationships. But perhaps it was my own fault for getting too close too soon. I thrive on human connections and the emotional rush I get from them. I've been this way my whole life whether in romantic or platonic relationships - I feel chemistry and I fall for people quickly. Friendships are vitally important to me, and as you saw from my past posts I felt this was the most important attribute when matching with a surrogate. 

While I used to judge those who treated a match like a business deal, now I see the benefits of proceeding that way. Logistics, not emotion, can be paramount when embarking on this type of baby-making project. I could never do things this way myself, but I now understand why others do. Maybe it's fine to let your guard down at a certain point, but not until the ball starts rolling on a successful transfer. Again though, that's just not me. 

So what comes next? The Canadian Fertility Show is next weekend and maybe that can spark some ideas. We're talking about adoption even though that's an arduous process in itself. And we've even had serious discussions of whether I actually could handle being pregnant. But I'm not going to sugarcoat things - it sucks. It really, really sucks. And it's even harder when 99 per cent of our friends are either raising kids or currently pregnant. Around the same time things ended for us, we found out four of our friends and relatives were expecting. We are so happy for all of them and can't wait to meet their little ones, but I can't help but wonder if that will ever be us. We've been planning our journey to parenthood for nearly five years and we're almost back at square one. It doesn't really matter how hard you try because you can't predict a timeline for this sort of process.  

Regardless of what we decide or how long it takes, I will continue to document our journey. I feel it's my duty to help others with invisible disabilities who are looking to conceive but don't yet know how to make that happen. And that's why I'm also going to change the nature of this blog, because there's a greater topic in general that I wish to document. 

On February 12, I launched "What's the Difference?", a podcast about living - and thriving! - with invisible disabilities. For the past four years, my friends and coworkers had been encouraging me to do a project like this. While originally the topic was going to centre around surrogacy, I felt that was too specific and wanted to bring in a wider audience. So I found a blogger over Instagram living with challenges herself who was excited to team up with me. Then I brought on a coworker from my not-for-profit day job who lives with blindness, and I reached out to a friend who is currently writing her memoirs about living with epilepsy and depression. In January, all three women came over to my place and we recorded our first episode, which in just three short days since its release has attracted attention from all around the globe. 

We will definitely cover the topic of having children in an upcoming episode, especially since one of our co-hosts has a toddler born via surrogate. But it's something that can often be taboo - many individuals with both visible and invisible disabilities are told not to have biological children because it's a selfish act and they could easily pass their health issues onto their child. Furthermore, some women are warned by family and friends not to get pregnant when in fact, the medical likelihood of an actual complication is still quite low. At the same time, others choose to go through the whole process themselves when the risks are much higher. It's a personal choice and no one - visible, invisible or no disability at all - should be judged on what they decide to do. 

Dennis and I have had a setback, and yes it was a tough one, but something beautiful came out of it. I don't think I would have actually launched the podcast if we were currently expecting. I don't think I would be having the most incredible conversations with three extraordinary, talented women sitting in our second bedroom - the room that will one day become our nursery - sharing our life stories in a non-judgmental environment where we can all be ourselves and inspire one another. 

Jackie, joined by her three "What's the Difference?" co-hosts Sam, Cynthia and Stacie

When one door closes, another opens - even if that door is in an entirely different building. As I take this blog in a new direction, I hope it can be proof to others that regardless of our challenges, with persistence, determination and time, you will get where you want to be. You will have the family you've always dreamed of. So whether it's #BabyRosenChung2021 or #BabyRosenChung2025, we'll get there .... eventually. 

Click here to listen to the first episode of "What's the Difference?"